I have had my fair share of bad relationships. Relationships based on a sense of need, insecurity, infatuation. I have struggled with letting go and not believing that I am worth being treated well. Currently, I am in the best relationship of my life. My husband accepts me with all of my flaws. He loves me in spite of them. I think he embraces (he will let me if “embrace” is the wrong word choice) them as just part of who I am. I know that I challenge him especially when some deep hurt bubbles to the surface and snaps at him undeservedly. I think, for the most part, I am done with unhealthy human relationships.
The relationship that has haunted me for years and is perhaps the most destructive, is my relationship with food. I have struggled my whole life with my weight. Since I was 12 years old I have been on diets. As a small child, I was alone a lot and so food was my friend. It kept me company. It made me feel safe and comforted. As a teenager, I rebelled against it. I stopped eating it and I won, for a little while. At 45, I am just now starting to understand the hold that food has on me. I get now that my relationship with food is about habits. I have taught myself that any emotion can be shoved down by food at least for a little while. I go to it like a baby who needs a cuddle with his mama and I have been doing that for 30+ years.
So next week, my husband and I are going to start the Whole 30 program which is supposed to change your relationship with food, rewire your thinking about food, reset your metabolism etc. That is, if you can do it. Now I know my husband can because he has amazing will power. I am the weakest link here. I have ruined many diets for him. He is probably only over weight because he is married to me. I am a terrible influence. This program (not referred to as a diet) requires preparation both mentally and physically. You have to clean out your cupboards and your refrigerator. You have to get ready to change your eating habits. You have to want to make a change.
I am putting a lot of hope and faith into this one because the thing is, I don’t want to be skinny. I want to be healthy. I want to feel good. My son is about to finish high school and my part two is about to start. I want to get the most out of it. The creators of the program say that you should make the commitment to this program and then tell people about it. So here’s to making a change, being mindful about what I eat and when, and finding some peace as I end this unhealthy relationship. I will keep you posted on how it’s going.